Relative Secrets

Monday, July 03, 2006

I knew this day would come. I just got an email from my sister, telling me that my father is dying and he wants to talk to me. We've gone through a few scares in the past, heart problems, bad ulcers, emphasema, etc, but this is the big C and he weighs 114 lbs, at 6'4".

He's staying with his cousin and his wife, and they're taking care of him. I haven't spoken to him in five years, because of the stepmother I've talked to in this blog, and I wonder where she is now. I don't know how many times she told us, and him, that it'd be HER taking care of him when he got old and sick, not US.

So, lots of emotions right now. I'm angry that she's not doing it, and I don't care why she's not. I'm sad I'm going to lose him, but it's not like I'm losing him, since we haven't been in contact. I guess I'm losing a chance to spend more time with him in the future, which may've been possible, since she's not around anymore. I'm back and forth about whether I should contact him or go see him. My last letter to him was the most evil, scathing thing I've ever written, and that's saying a lot. Every bit of it was true, but I could've said it differently. So that's embarrassing.

I can sort of picture what it would be like, to see him again, at this stage of his life. I imagine he'd talk about regrets. I imagine he'd also tell fun stories, like he always does. I imagine we'd cry a lot.

I know I don't have much time, but I can't rush into this if I'm going to do it. I don't want to say something like, "Where's that bitch NOW?" He doesn't need that shit, and neither do I. But I've got to get it out of my system before I see him.

This is a secret that we need to keep from my mother, though. I really don't think she can stand it. Her health is bad, and because of how often and much we were hurt in our lives by his wife, and by him for letting her, she gets very emotional any time his name is mentioned.

I'm just all over the place.

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