Relative Secrets

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

I want to do this gracefully. I want to do it as the 41 year old, and not as the still hurt and angry child, full of blame. He's told my sister that he'd rather we not talk about the stepmother, but if he really wants to make peace with me, we are going to have to talk about her. I'm trying to get myself in a headspace where I can talk to him about it without making him feel defensive.

I need for him to believe me. I need for him to push all her years of dogma out of his head and really listen to me and believe me. Every time I've tried to tell him what has happened, he hasn't believed. When I told him, the weekend he came to pick us up for a visit, that we couldn't go with him, because she had starved us, beaten us, and shoved things in our cunts on the kitchen table, he didn't believe. He thought, I guess, that our mother put these things in our heads. When I told him that she locked my daughter in a closet once, while I went to a dr's appointment, he didn't believe me. If we're going to have good closure, solid peace-making, he's going to have to finally believe those things. He can say he's sorry about not having spent much time with us all he wants, and that is important, though hard to believe, but the important thing is that he's going to have to understand that what we've been saying for 30 years IS true, and is not the result of our mother hating our stepmother. It's crucial for my forgiveness of him at this point in my life.

Either that, or we won't be making our final peace. I will hope that he'll find peace before he dies, and I'll find it for myself, eventually, when I can forgive him, and, I guess when I can forgive her. Makes me want to throw up, thinking about forgiving her, right now, but I'll do it eventually, because I have to.

I'm not going to keep this secret anymore with him. I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen for his own sanity. This is one way that he can BE a daddy for me: to believe the secrets that I've tried to tell him.

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